First: To Boob or Not to Boob
My friend has stage 4 breast cancer she has been fighting for about 5 months now. Needless to say, this has got me feelin up my boobies now like nobody's business.
Of course I have to find myself a big ol lump too. Found it a few months ago. Went to the doctor, he says he thinks its fibrocystic breast tissue. I already know I've got the lumpiest boobs on the planet, so this info doesn't surprise me at all, but I am still a little concerned.... no kinda freaked out really.
So I looked into digital mammograms. How much do they cost and what are they all about. Seemed like a good fit for me, except for the cost. No insurance. Oh well. I scheduled an apt anyway.
Today I went in and had a lady smush my boobs and take lots and lots of pictures of them. It was super neat-o.
Anyway, she smushed and clicked in every conceivable strange and awkward position. "Don't breath." she kept saying. "Seriously, stop breathing for a moment............................................
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...................................................................................beep...................................................................
......................................................("I heard a beep, isn't this boob done yet? Help, I need air.) .....
.........................................beep beep click
"Ok, now you can breath." Smush smush smush squish splat "K-don't breath again."
"What?!"
We did this many times. Then she left and came back and we did it a few more times. nothin like a slew of weird-o nudy pictures to make a girl feel hot hot hot. Let me tell ya.
Anyway, she leaves again and a few min later comes back in and says that he wants to do an ultrasound.
"Well, at least I'll get to breath for that." So we went and did an ultrasound. I actually got to see the screen this time, not that I knew what I was looking at or for so much. I do know one thing though, black is good on an ultrasound. There were tons of little black circles- those were cysts that I knew I had.
When she went over the big lump I couldn't see anything. Everybody agreed that the big lump is there, but we couldn't see it.
Finally, the doctor himself comes in and says, officially, "I can't see anything." I showed him where the lump is, he agreed it is there. He looked for it again on the screen. "It's just not showing up."
"So what does that mean?"
"Well, you have two options. One, you can go home and do nothing. I think it's nothing, it feels ok to me. Two, you can talk to a surgeon about a biopsy."
"But you don't think this is anything?"
"Right, I think you are just fine. Nothing to worry about."
Ok, so I went home. The doctor told me he thinks we can't see it because my breast tissue is too dense. The problem I have with that is the fact that we could see some much deeper, smaller cysts that nobody could feel in the ultrasound. How is it that we can see those, but not the great big obvious one that everybody can feel because it is right close to the surface???
Fluid inside a cyst makes it show up black. Could it be that the big lump is not black because it is not filled with fluid? Maybe its not a cyst and I'm gonna die??? Or maybe I'm just freaking out because I saw my friend, my same age, right after a double mastectomy. Yeah, maybe. Maybe it is possible that my breast tissue is only super dense right in that exact spot.
Maybe I just need to settle down. Everybody thinks I'm fine. I don't have the $1300 for a biopsy anyway. I know where I can find help to pay for it, but should I do that if it's nothing? I don't think I'll feel very good about myself if I spend $1300 of somebody elses money that could have gone to someone who has a lump that everyone is actually nervous about.
Both of my doctors, Chris too, everybody is fairly confident that this lump is a great big nothing. Everybody except me. But I have a very active imagination that I am fully aware of.
I am pretty sure that when a qualified doctor says that your grape-sized lump is nothing to worry about, that lump is then supposed to listen to the doctor and go away. Well, two doctors said this lump is nothing and it is still here.
Maybe I'll get some iodine and a clean needle and check it out for myself.... Stupid money. I don't need money, I'll do it myself! I just need to see whats in there, that's all.
So there's the boob story.
I'll close by saying happy anniversary to me and Chris. Today makes 9 years. That's something to smile about. :)
16 years ago
