“Meatloaf again.” Ronald sighed heavily. Just once he would love something new and exciting on the menu. Just once, to walk thru the cafeteria doors and smell the savory aroma of sweet and sour pork or something exotic like... like... crème jamwa! Ok, that was made up, but it wasn't his fault. Years of being locked up in the mental institution with the same menu playing over and over left him with little ability to truly imagine what real cuisine would sound like.
Meatloaf. Stale Pizza. Mystery Casserole. Spatetti. The most exotic thing at the institution is Weenies in Beenies. They're the ones serving the awful grule. Depressing.
Why do they do this to us? So because we're crazy we can't appreciate real food? And isn't that cruel and unusual punishment, depressing the depressed? They told him when he arrived that he wasn't being punished. “You're not bad you're just sad.” They'd said. Oh but they lied! He was being punished, and he knew it. He knew who was responsible for it too.
There was a little green ferret that liked to visit outside his window every Tuesday. Mostly the little beast just went on and on about licking things. Once Ronald didn't see it for a month, apparently it'd licked a light socket.
Yeah, it mostly just liked to lick stuff. Also, it almost always kept the same schedule. Every Tuesday at twelve o clock Ronald talked to the green ferret. He didn't really care about what the ferret had to say, he just didn't want to make it sad. Everything around him was sad, why make the ferret sad too? So he sat and he listened. Every Tuesday at twelve o clock. Every Tuesday. Every Tuesday.
But then the ferret came on Friday, and it stopped being green. It didn't talk about licking things either, no. It talked about trouble
“A man was in the tool shed eating all the pickles. And he ate chicken stuffed with grapes too. He ate everything, and so you get nothing! Nothing but your meatloaf.”
“You saw him do it? He ate my chicken and grapes?”
“Yes, and that's why I'm purple. And that's why it's Friday too!”
“But what did he look like? I must stop him.”
“Everybody looks the same to me.”
“Damn”
“But I asked him who he was, and he said he was the principal.”
“No!”
“Yes! It is the principal who does this to you now. He eats your special food and he makes you sad.”
“Did you tell him to stop?”
“No.”
“But why?”
“I don't know, but I licked him real good!”
“Where?”
“You don't want to know... but he won't forget it!”
Now all Ronald had to do is find the principal. He used to be real good at finding the principal, but now he forgot all that. You have to divide something and add... he didn't know what, but there was a formula if he could just remember what it was.
Maybe if he just asked to see the principal? Yes, he could try that. Ronald has to meet with a head doctor everyday. He was told it was protocol. Sometimes there would be a group, other times it was just him. He would wait until it was just him, then he would ask the shrink if he could see the principal. It was so crazy, it just might work.
He had to wait two whole weeks, but then it was finally his turn to be alone with the psychiatrist.
“Doctor, I'm worried. I think I need to see the principal.”
“Why do you need to see the principal, you can talk to me.”
“Not this time. You're great, you really are, but I think the principal is the only one who can help me with my greatest problem.”
“Are you sure I can't help you with your greatest problem. I'm very good with problems, of every size.”
“That's very kind, but I'm afraid not. Only the principal can help me now.”
“I see. And have you ever been to see the principal before?”
“Well, no.”
“Have you ever seen the principal?”
“No, I suppose not.”
“But you're sure he can help you?”
“Oh yes, quite sure. He will help me, I just know it.”
“Very well. I didn't want to say anything earlier until I knew you were sure, but you see I am the principal.”
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
16 years ago
